Graphic by Carolyn Brown
Studies show that 32.4% of romantically involved college students are in a long-distance relationship, according to a 2021 National Library of Medicine survey.
This means a significant number of San Jose State students in a romantic relationship, are in a long-distance relationship.
Nacho Morales, communication studies junior and an international student from Spain, is one of those students.
“Don’t get confused because it’s really difficult,” said Morales. “There are people that try to romanticize long-distance relationships – there is more bad things than good.”
Psychology assistant professor Lesther Papa said proximity is one element that makes long-distance relationships challenging.
“If it is somebody that you are very close to and emotionally attached to, then, there are chemicals in your body that released associated with pleasure, relaxation – things that are happy,” Papa said.
He said, with the loss of physical proximity, emotional proximity must take its place for long distance to work.
“You have to use that proximity of thinking about that partner being very close and doing things that, if you were in the same room, would be very easy,” Papa said. “Sitting side by side or putting your arm around one another – literally feeling the person’s heat releases internal experiences that are different from seeing someone virtually.”
The adult attachment theory analyzes the emotional bond between romantic relationships.
“The emotional bond that develops between adult romantic partners is partly a function of the same motivational system – the attachment behavioral system – that gives rise to the emotional bond between infants and their caregivers,” according to an overview of the theory by R. Chris Fraley psychology professor at University of Illinois.
“Attachment styles are basically a blueprint for how you connect with people,” Papa said.
In January, Morales moved into the International House, leaving his partner back home in Spain.
The International House is a residency near SJSU that accommodates international students from 20 to 35 different countries each semester.
“When she’s in class, I’m sleeping,” Morales said. “We have only the morning to talk.”
Business administration junior Clemence Labatut is an international student from France who met her boyfriend back home last summer.
“The difference in time is the hardest thing,” Labatut said. “We don’t sleep at the same time – it’s hard to call and text each other.”
She said she looks forward to the beginning and end of her days because those are the moments they can call each other.
“Essentially, if you take somebody who is talking on their phone or is on facetime on their phone and you freeze frame that . . . somebody is literally talking to an inanimate object,” Papa said. “That is what’s happening mutually.”
Labatut said, aside from FaceTime and texting, she uses apps such as Instagram and TikTok as another means of communicating with her partner.
Katherine Hayden, professional and technical writing junior, has been with her partner for almost four years, two of which have been long distance.
“One of the struggles was learning communication – understanding that our schedules are different and understanding we have to communicate when we are available or how we are feeling that day because we aren’t close to one another,” Hayden said.
She said she had to work with her partner to recognize when to provide solutions for each other, and when to listen.
Hayden said NoteIt is another means of communication that she and her partner enjoy using.
Notelt is an app allowing friends and partners to draw and send letters to each other that appears on their phone’s home screen.
“We’ll write on it and share thoughts,” Hayden said. “It’s funny because one or the other would forget about it and we’ll see a new drawing or message – it’s cute.”
Hayden and her partner, who attends San Francisco State, are enrolled in the BayPass Pilot Program, a two-year pilot program run by the Metropolitan Transportation Commission and Bay Area Rapid Transit.
The BayPass Pilot Program is a two-year pilot program that provides a single pass to some 50,000 Bay Area residents, giving them free access to all bus, rail and ferry services in the nine-county region, according to the Metropolitan Transportation Commission.
Hayden said the act of making day trips shows mutual commitment to the relationship and helps reassure both partners.
“Being vulnerable and being honest and, like, I know we are busy with school, but I also want to see you,” Hayden said. “[Dates] don’t have to be activity based, it could just be studying – the presence of being together.”
The mutual decision to enroll in the program shows the intention from both partners to commit a day to meet.
“What tends to lead relationships into trouble is saying, ‘Let’s just see.’ ” Papa said. “That’s not intentional . . . not having intention hurts relationships.”
He said partners in relationships should be mindful of the objectives they want to achieve and not leave them for fate to decide.
Papa said to keep long distance exciting, partners can change up what comes next in their relationship and establish what they can accomplish in the coming future.
“The big thing for keeping up the hope is finding what’s important,” Papa said. “That is going to be different for each couple and who will have to find a way to meet their needs virtually.”
Planning trips and visits are more challenging for Morales, who said he has no intention of returning to Spain until the end of the semester in June because of financial reasons.
“Barcelona is so far from here and it is extremely expensive to travel,” he said. “We are young . . . we are poor.”
Morales said he and his partner exchange chocolates and flowers to remind one another they are thinking of them.
“As you’re thinking about wanting to be with your partner, dig in terms of gratitude for what you already have with this person,” Papa said.
He said reflecting on one’s relationship and acknowledging the memories made helps to feed the positive outlook one has on their long-distance relationship.
“I know that [when] I come back to Spain, I will be so proud of myself and of her and of our relationship,” Morales said. “I want this feeling, and I am looking forward to it.”