The choice between the red pill and the blue pill always sickened me.

The red pill being the fear of throwing up my lunch and the blue pill being the fear of bracing a ten-story fall.

I’d rather just not be there to choose – the same reason I left my phobia of theme parks in the rear view mirror.

My inherent disgust for clowns, mascots, parades and fireworks coupled with the stale popcorn and the abhorrent background music, made stepping into a theme park quite a nightmare for me.

Yes, I hate theme parks. I hate being in photos with characters I outgrew in fourth grade. I hate the stupid carnival games that award you an oversized stuffed animal that  can’t fit in your car. I also hate going on unnecessarily dangerous-looking rides. 

Vertigo should remain a physical ailment. The Magic Mountain should be for sightseeing only. Top Gun should remain a movie theme, and Lego should stick to making toys.

Honestly, theme parks are on their way out, and I can’t wait to wave them goodbye. Theme parks should have shut down a long time ago.

Since 1846 when the first theme park in the United States,  Lake Compounce in Bristol Conn., was opened, theme parks have been hauling in money for big-time businesses

In 2022, Disney accumulated $28.71 billion, solidifying its place as one of the world’s most powerful oligopolies. 

However, the bulk of Disney’s revenue is from their overall product, as they are the world’s leading media conglomerate according to the Statista website.

According to Theme Park Architect article, theme parks fail for a plethora of reasons, including lack of innovation, safety incidents, inadequate marketing, economic downturn and high operating costs.  

One striking factor that repels me away from theme parks is that they are notoriously bad for the environment. According to the Traversing the Globe One Problem at a Time website, theme parks contribute to air pollution, fossil fuel usage, excessive water usage and excess waste.

Fossil fuel exhaust accumulated by people driving to and from theme parks is yet another negative environmental drawback.

Driving to a national or state park is much more thrilling than the load of garbage that I’m supposed to find “amusing.”

I hate driving all the way to Vallejo to visit the Six Flags Discovery Kingdom or Anaheim to have a “magical” experience at Disneyland.

Especially when the “magic” of these parks are full of ill-advised roller coaster drops.

Roller coasters force your heart to work harder to get blood flowing to your brain and cause traumatic brain injury (TBI) as well as a type of stroke known as cervicocephalic arterial dissection (CAD), according to Discover Magazine.

If physical health isn’t enough of a reason for you, saving money is another aspect to consider.

The $89.2 billion burned out of Americans’ pockets each year from scarfing down kettle corn, ice cream and cotton candy just to get vertigo and throw it all up again isn’t worth emptying your pockets for.

If I wanted to go on an adventure just to end up feeling sick, I would have found a way to contract COVID-19 when I was supposed to shelter-in-place and have ended up in the hospital. 

If you want an adventure, go hiking. If you want the excitement of being in a park, buy tickets to a sporting event. If you want food with deals half the price of the edible amenities at Disneyland, I’m sure there are plenty of restaurants nearby willing to rip you off.

If you are impatient as I am, forget the lines. Feel free to ditch the creeps pretending to be your favorite television character. 

Let’s keep lunches in our stomach, our bodies trauma-free and our environment greener and less polluted. Let’s leave theme parks in the past.